You should be glad that I'm writing here now instead of three hours ago when my emotions were tied up in knots, off the wall, stretched thin, and ready to snap! I feel much better now, probably due to the fact that my presentation for Children's Lit is almost done, and I have been listening to Jennifer Knapp and mellowing.
So what was I upset about? Well, I guess it started last night. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I had an epiphany. Sometimes, it seems like I can suddenly articulate clearly everything that has been on my mind and bothering me. That's what happened to me last night. I had quite the rant at everything that has been going on here at this school. All the doctrine and popular attitudes that I am literally immersed in here have finally built up in my system to the point that I can identify what it is about them that bother me.
Maybe it's the fact that I am quite literally unsure of whether I am really going to be a Christian or not. Maybe it's the fact that I have been in Godly relationships with good guys - and they just didn't work out. Maybe it's my adversion to any facet of religion that smacks of pretense or fakery. It's quite likely a combination of all three, with a dash of condescension from my peers and a sprinkle of my own fear of what others will think of me. The result is a lot of confusion, angst, and general discomfort.
I know it's stupid, but I feel that if I was open and honest with my friends about the fact that I am searching for God and not really finding him, then they would somehow look down on me or think of me as less of a person. Once I tried to tell my CA about how my summer basically consisted of me drifting further and further from God, and getting mixed up in unhealthy relationships. She didn't really know what to say, and just looked at me with a mixture of pity and sadness in her eyes. I know that everyone goes through periods of doubt in their faith, but why doesn't anyone want to talk about it?
The subject of God, and where he is and what he is doing, right now, in my life - has been one that has been bothering me for weeks and weeks. No, make that months - the past year and a half, actually. It's just more intense here, because everyone is all about Jesus, praise and worship, and mission trips. They all seem sincere, and I don't want to mess up everyone's groove by asking questions or being my true cynical self. It's so easy to just drift along with the status quo here!
I didn't go to church this morning, and I was pondering questions of my faith all day. Then, my already volatile mood was compounded by a little coffee-and-sharing time that we put on in the lounge for the other girls on campus. A lot of my friends shared what God has been teaching them in their lives about relationships - and honestly, I was a little miffed that I was not asked to share. Not that I'm a great example of good relationships - on the other hand, I feel that I'm viewed as a failure here because a. My relationship last year did not work out, and b. I don't have a ring on my finger yet or even the possibility of one. Life is not exclusively about finding The One, but here at this university, well, you sure could have fooled me.
You'll be pleased to know that my immature sulk disappeared after I sternly lectured myself (several times) about the sheer stupidity and solipsism that it was evincing. And the evening was bearable after all. I know that the girls that talked about God made really good points, points that we all need to remember. But I find it hard to take anything to heart when I am so unsure about what is true, and what God really wants from his followers. I don't want to trust anything that I don't know is in the Bible, and even that sometimes seems to contradict and confuse me even more.
Well. That was long and very personal! I don't think I've been this unsure of life in a long time! I believe in God, I know I should follow him, and yet I'm unsure that anything I've ever been taught is really true. I'm homesick, yet I don't want to live at home. I love my friends here, yet I want to leave and go to a different school. I wish that life could be simple. I wish that I could get A+ on my presentation. I wish that had a shiny red convertible...
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2 comments:
The thing to realize about young adult educational institutes is, and here is the astounding part, they are all filled with young adults like you. Just like you are realizing your outward attitude is often a facade, so the others around you are concerned with maintaining that image. It's a part of going through that particular stage in life where appearing in control is paramount. And it doesn't simply end there. You will find all through life that people wear masks and to a large extent this is even necessary. However as people mature they are able to show more of their emotions especially to those people they trust. Those shiny plastic people you see around you are hurting, concerned, unsure, angry, searching, and frustrated the same as you, and I'm sure that as you get closer to some of them you will find that out all too well. I would suggest that you look through the list of small groups at your church and get into a bible study with people that are older than you are. You will find that it is much more real and they can probably help with the uncertanties and the fears that you are going through. They don't have to be 80, just older than you. Give it a try.
hey, i felt exactly what you're feeling in bible school, except i'm afraid i wasn't as polite about it as you. i still feel that way many, many times. be you. ask all the questions you feel like, and choose wisely. you know i'm here. i won't yell at you unless you're drinking and driving :)
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