I'm so exhausted! I just want to fall into bed and sleep forever and ever... but tomorrow the crazy circus of life starts all over again. Between midterms, my job, and my practicum, I think that November will be the proverbial ... well, I was going to say "month from hell", but I don't think that's very proverbial! Besides, I think that hell is more likely to be very, very boring. But hey, that's just my personal opinion. And I don't really know anything right now except that my eyelids are involuntary closing...
Today just started out as a "Jonah day." I told one of the girls at work that it was one of those days when you just keep thinking about ex-boyfriends. Really, I'm usually pretty good at "forward motion." But not today. All night, I had terrible dreams about my evil ex(s). It was actually quite embarassing. And the day didn't get much better. I tried to study, and succeeded only in stressing out. I was supposed to go for a run, but I could hardly drag myself off the floor. My patience level steadily decreased as we spent Children's Lit class discussing how every single girl thought that she was Anne of Green Gables when she was a child.
It's not all that bad... I just like whining, waxing sarcastic, and complaining about the little irritants. This blog is such a good outlet! My limited readership will just have to put up with the occasional emotional bug-guts on the windshield of my life.
Oh dear me. The metaphors of the struggling English major!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Snow, Schindler, Decisions
It hasn't snowed yet! I'm so grateful. I want to soak up as much good weather as I can before the inevitable occurs. Don't get me wrong. I like snow - but at Christmas time. This is a picture taken on September 9 last year - the first snow of the year! It's been very different this year. Yesterday I was wearing a tanktop in the afternoon. Definitely a bonus.
I'm faced with a difficult decision: should I move out of dorms next semester and live with my friend Mandy, or should I tough it out and hope that the amazing friendships I have here on bottom-floor Schindler somehow make up for the housing drawbacks? I don't know what to do! I really want to have my independence, I want to be able to cook for myself and retreat to my own home at the end of the day. And the girls last year that made everything worthwhile - most of those girls don't live here anymore. Still, Randa and Heather's friendship means so much to me, and I really value living with them. That experience alone is enough to balance my desire to move into my own apartment.
The other consideration is financial. It would be much cheaper for me to share a living space with Mandy. I hate to drag money into it, but I have to.
These decisions are driving me crazy!! I hope that I receive an epiphany soon!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
How it feels...to be me
I crouch here,
Cold wind sucking the fragile breaths
That try to warm my lips.
All the colours of indicision
Swirl like a kaleidoscope in my mind
Dizzying, so dizzying.
And the darkness on the edges,
Cold like obsidian ice.
What once burned red-hot
Now sinks in dark coldness.
I cling to the center,
Disoriented by the whirrings
Of my spinning consciousness,
But more afraid of falling of the side into the blackness.
Cold wind sucking the fragile breaths
That try to warm my lips.
All the colours of indicision
Swirl like a kaleidoscope in my mind
Dizzying, so dizzying.
And the darkness on the edges,
Cold like obsidian ice.
What once burned red-hot
Now sinks in dark coldness.
I cling to the center,
Disoriented by the whirrings
Of my spinning consciousness,
But more afraid of falling of the side into the blackness.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Fall Weather and Sundry Other Items
Thank God for a warm room! OK, so maybe the temperature of my room is bordering on sauna temperatures, but I'd rather be warm than cold. The furnace roars constantly, like an angry fire-breathing dragon living in the walls. I love it!
I'm definitely having a better week than the last one. I think I did OK on my English presentation, and my other classes are coming together nicely. I should be able to get lots of work done this weekend, plus fit in a trip to the library (yeah!) and go to Randa's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, and I got my first paycheck from my job, which was rather pleasant.
My girls in my "connecting group" are so cute. They're all freshman, and they want to keep meeting and having Bible studies. Their idea is for everyone to have a turn leading on a rotational basis. Who am I to say no? My room is warm and usually decently clean, so it's a reasonable choice, and I always have tea and coffehouse-style music. Hey, I might even learn something - a lot of them are pretty intense Christians.
The weather is not behaving lately. I hate waiting for the bus when the wind is so frigid. But the trees are covered with a profusion of rich reds and yellows, and all the leaves float down in the wind and skip around on the sidewalks. At least it looks beautiful from inside my over-heated room. And my birthday is tomorrow. I guess that's always my first indication that fall is here to stay.
Bring it on!
I'm definitely having a better week than the last one. I think I did OK on my English presentation, and my other classes are coming together nicely. I should be able to get lots of work done this weekend, plus fit in a trip to the library (yeah!) and go to Randa's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, and I got my first paycheck from my job, which was rather pleasant.
My girls in my "connecting group" are so cute. They're all freshman, and they want to keep meeting and having Bible studies. Their idea is for everyone to have a turn leading on a rotational basis. Who am I to say no? My room is warm and usually decently clean, so it's a reasonable choice, and I always have tea and coffehouse-style music. Hey, I might even learn something - a lot of them are pretty intense Christians.
The weather is not behaving lately. I hate waiting for the bus when the wind is so frigid. But the trees are covered with a profusion of rich reds and yellows, and all the leaves float down in the wind and skip around on the sidewalks. At least it looks beautiful from inside my over-heated room. And my birthday is tomorrow. I guess that's always my first indication that fall is here to stay.
Bring it on!
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Grumpy Li'l Ol Me
You should be glad that I'm writing here now instead of three hours ago when my emotions were tied up in knots, off the wall, stretched thin, and ready to snap! I feel much better now, probably due to the fact that my presentation for Children's Lit is almost done, and I have been listening to Jennifer Knapp and mellowing.
So what was I upset about? Well, I guess it started last night. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I had an epiphany. Sometimes, it seems like I can suddenly articulate clearly everything that has been on my mind and bothering me. That's what happened to me last night. I had quite the rant at everything that has been going on here at this school. All the doctrine and popular attitudes that I am literally immersed in here have finally built up in my system to the point that I can identify what it is about them that bother me.
Maybe it's the fact that I am quite literally unsure of whether I am really going to be a Christian or not. Maybe it's the fact that I have been in Godly relationships with good guys - and they just didn't work out. Maybe it's my adversion to any facet of religion that smacks of pretense or fakery. It's quite likely a combination of all three, with a dash of condescension from my peers and a sprinkle of my own fear of what others will think of me. The result is a lot of confusion, angst, and general discomfort.
I know it's stupid, but I feel that if I was open and honest with my friends about the fact that I am searching for God and not really finding him, then they would somehow look down on me or think of me as less of a person. Once I tried to tell my CA about how my summer basically consisted of me drifting further and further from God, and getting mixed up in unhealthy relationships. She didn't really know what to say, and just looked at me with a mixture of pity and sadness in her eyes. I know that everyone goes through periods of doubt in their faith, but why doesn't anyone want to talk about it?
The subject of God, and where he is and what he is doing, right now, in my life - has been one that has been bothering me for weeks and weeks. No, make that months - the past year and a half, actually. It's just more intense here, because everyone is all about Jesus, praise and worship, and mission trips. They all seem sincere, and I don't want to mess up everyone's groove by asking questions or being my true cynical self. It's so easy to just drift along with the status quo here!
I didn't go to church this morning, and I was pondering questions of my faith all day. Then, my already volatile mood was compounded by a little coffee-and-sharing time that we put on in the lounge for the other girls on campus. A lot of my friends shared what God has been teaching them in their lives about relationships - and honestly, I was a little miffed that I was not asked to share. Not that I'm a great example of good relationships - on the other hand, I feel that I'm viewed as a failure here because a. My relationship last year did not work out, and b. I don't have a ring on my finger yet or even the possibility of one. Life is not exclusively about finding The One, but here at this university, well, you sure could have fooled me.
You'll be pleased to know that my immature sulk disappeared after I sternly lectured myself (several times) about the sheer stupidity and solipsism that it was evincing. And the evening was bearable after all. I know that the girls that talked about God made really good points, points that we all need to remember. But I find it hard to take anything to heart when I am so unsure about what is true, and what God really wants from his followers. I don't want to trust anything that I don't know is in the Bible, and even that sometimes seems to contradict and confuse me even more.
Well. That was long and very personal! I don't think I've been this unsure of life in a long time! I believe in God, I know I should follow him, and yet I'm unsure that anything I've ever been taught is really true. I'm homesick, yet I don't want to live at home. I love my friends here, yet I want to leave and go to a different school. I wish that life could be simple. I wish that I could get A+ on my presentation. I wish that had a shiny red convertible...
So what was I upset about? Well, I guess it started last night. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I had an epiphany. Sometimes, it seems like I can suddenly articulate clearly everything that has been on my mind and bothering me. That's what happened to me last night. I had quite the rant at everything that has been going on here at this school. All the doctrine and popular attitudes that I am literally immersed in here have finally built up in my system to the point that I can identify what it is about them that bother me.
Maybe it's the fact that I am quite literally unsure of whether I am really going to be a Christian or not. Maybe it's the fact that I have been in Godly relationships with good guys - and they just didn't work out. Maybe it's my adversion to any facet of religion that smacks of pretense or fakery. It's quite likely a combination of all three, with a dash of condescension from my peers and a sprinkle of my own fear of what others will think of me. The result is a lot of confusion, angst, and general discomfort.
I know it's stupid, but I feel that if I was open and honest with my friends about the fact that I am searching for God and not really finding him, then they would somehow look down on me or think of me as less of a person. Once I tried to tell my CA about how my summer basically consisted of me drifting further and further from God, and getting mixed up in unhealthy relationships. She didn't really know what to say, and just looked at me with a mixture of pity and sadness in her eyes. I know that everyone goes through periods of doubt in their faith, but why doesn't anyone want to talk about it?
The subject of God, and where he is and what he is doing, right now, in my life - has been one that has been bothering me for weeks and weeks. No, make that months - the past year and a half, actually. It's just more intense here, because everyone is all about Jesus, praise and worship, and mission trips. They all seem sincere, and I don't want to mess up everyone's groove by asking questions or being my true cynical self. It's so easy to just drift along with the status quo here!
I didn't go to church this morning, and I was pondering questions of my faith all day. Then, my already volatile mood was compounded by a little coffee-and-sharing time that we put on in the lounge for the other girls on campus. A lot of my friends shared what God has been teaching them in their lives about relationships - and honestly, I was a little miffed that I was not asked to share. Not that I'm a great example of good relationships - on the other hand, I feel that I'm viewed as a failure here because a. My relationship last year did not work out, and b. I don't have a ring on my finger yet or even the possibility of one. Life is not exclusively about finding The One, but here at this university, well, you sure could have fooled me.
You'll be pleased to know that my immature sulk disappeared after I sternly lectured myself (several times) about the sheer stupidity and solipsism that it was evincing. And the evening was bearable after all. I know that the girls that talked about God made really good points, points that we all need to remember. But I find it hard to take anything to heart when I am so unsure about what is true, and what God really wants from his followers. I don't want to trust anything that I don't know is in the Bible, and even that sometimes seems to contradict and confuse me even more.
Well. That was long and very personal! I don't think I've been this unsure of life in a long time! I believe in God, I know I should follow him, and yet I'm unsure that anything I've ever been taught is really true. I'm homesick, yet I don't want to live at home. I love my friends here, yet I want to leave and go to a different school. I wish that life could be simple. I wish that I could get A+ on my presentation. I wish that had a shiny red convertible...
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