OK, so what now???

As of this moment, I have been living in Lethbridge for approximately 5 days and 4 hours. It feels like much, much longer. I have unpacked everything, used "my" new oven to my heart's content, eaten more than is good for me, scouted out some running paths by the graveyard and in the coulees, met a dizzying array of Jen and Liana's (my landlords) friends, handed out resumes all over town, and tried the bus system. Yet despite all these activities, I still feel bored. I still watch too much daytime television. I still feel unproductive and antsy. Would someone, somewhere, from any minimum wage retail job just give me a call for an interview? Forget trying to actually make money. I just want the reassuring beep beep beep of my alarm clock going off at an ungodly hour, telling me that I am gainfully employed and will be able to pay my rent and buy groceries. I am sure that soon I will be retracting that wish for the annoying sound of my alarm clock every morning, but right now I feel like my life is on hold and I'd just like to get this show on the road.
Maybe all this waiting time is for a reason. Maybe some Higher Power is telling me that I just need to learn to wait, to slow down, to relax, to trust. Maybe. Or maybe that Higher Power is telling me that I should have taken greater care with my resume. Or it could be that I am supposed to be learning a lesson in perseverance. Or frugality. Or maybe how if I hadn't bought that iPod in February I would have a nice little sum in my bank account right now.
I love how when it's almost 1 o'clock am, all the negative thoughts swarm my brain like drones around a queen bee.
Did I just use that metaphor? Good grief. I was just watching Jerry Seinfeld; maybe that's why.
This feels like such an odd time in my life. I feel so young and yet so old. Part of me knows that I'm 19; no one expects me to have it all together, to make loads of money and have perfect hair. Yet another part of me feels way older than 19; like I should know what I'm doing by now and shouldn't be scared by the thought of job interviews or learning how to work a lottery machine at Shopper's Drug Mart or trying to pick my courses for next year. But having spent the last two years of my life in a climate-controlled bubble, I don't really know what to do in the real world anymore. I don't know what's me and what's just a product of Taylor. I don't know what I want. I have no opinions. I laugh when other people laugh; I stare at people's shoes to make sure that what I'm wearing on my feet is at least passable. I know part of that will never change, but I also know that there's a part of me that really wants to break free and become itself in a way that never could have happened at Taylor. And that might take a long time, and it might take some work, but I want to try. Cause I really want to know who I am. And maybe that's the point of all this waiting - to find out what I want out of life and who "me" really is.
Oh geez. So philosophical. I should really go to bed now before I spill my guts all over this page, cause that would be gross and nobody wants to see it. I'm sure. Yukky.
So here's to tomorrow and sleeping in and doing nothing. Cause doing nothing is the only thing I can do at this point. Who knows? Maybe I'll even get called in for a job interview. I'm crossing my fingers...